You’re Always Saying Things are Dead
What’s Your Deal?
You’re always saying things are dead.
Podcasts are dead. Writing is dead. Rap is dead. Jazz is dead. Hip-hop is dead. Rock is dead. Elvis is dead.
No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
- Agent K (Men in Black)
More Dead Things!
God is dead. Good is dead. Help is dead. Hope is dead.
Says who?
You?
What Are You, a Fuckin Coroner?
Art is dead. Effort is dead. Humanity is dead. Your phone is dead. Math is dead. (Actually, now that I think of it, no one’s saying math is dead.)
How do you know these things are dead?
Did you poke them with a stick? (Did you poke them where it counts?)
Oh! Oh you DID poke them with a stick. And they didn’t move?
None of them?
Did you use a Certified Poking Stick? It doesn’t count if you don’t use a Certified Poking Stick. All coroners know that. At least, all the good ones do.
Okay, okay. But did you use the same stick to poke all of them?
AHA! You’re supposed to use different sticks for different pokes. I knew there was something iffy about your methods.
Well, yes, they all must be certified. Rules are rules.
Hey buddy, coroners are elected around here. You have to follow the rules! Do you want to keep declaring all these things dead? Use the right stick for the right poke — to see if they move — or get ready for a recall election.
Because we’re SICK of you saying what’s dead and what’s not.
That’s right, Jeffers. I challenge you.
And if I’m elected coroner? I won’t say ANYBODY’s dead! You hear me, Jeffers?
ELECT ME THE NEW CORONER AND NOBODY DIES! (At least, as far as my office goes.)
Recall Coroner Jeffers!
Dillard Brimwald for County Coroner
Vote for Dillard and you won’t die! (At least, as far as my office goes.)
