The Science Behind STFU

Matty Swivels
5 min readOct 23, 2024

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Orange molecules
Shut up, it’s science. (Photo by Sharon Pittaway on Unsplash)

We’re in for a special treat.

Today we’re looking at the science behind Shutting The Fuck Up.

STFU is a clinical term. It’s clinical because, well, it is used inside clinics.

It’s used outside clinics, too — that’s probably where laypeople like you heard it.

But for us sciencey types, STFU holds a special and practical place. And today we’re going to look at that.

A New Study

New studies are better than old studies. Because they’re new. Old science is for old heads, weird sience is for pervs, and new science is for scientists.

Old science is for old heads, weird science is for pervs, and new science is for scientists.

Us sciencey folk have conducted a couple new studies on STFU, and here’s where we’re going to tell you — the normal folk — about them.

About the Studies

The first study was conducted by Dr. A. L. Pooperdink, a man who was awarded $425 million dollars to answer the question “Is Butt Sex Real?”

Pooperdink is scandalous — but trustworthy.

Dr. Pooperdink, with funds unrelated to his infamous butt sex study, looked at 12 people in the same neighborhood who regularly used STFU.

That neighborhood frequently ate at Applebee’s, because that’s the neighborhood grill and bar. And if you’re going to be in the neighborhood, you might as well eat good in the neighborhood.

8 of the 12 subjects said things like “I got a Dollarita” and “STFU, I got a Dollarita too!” 50–100 times per meal.

Dr. Pooperdink did a good job.

The Second Study

The second study was conducted by Anonymous Sources, Ltd.

Anonymous Sources is a London-based operation that provides various institutions with — you guessed it — anonymous sources.

Anonymous Sources, Ltd. is super useful for journalists, whistleblowers, content creators, and now, for scientists too.

However, because Anonymous Sources, Ltd., conducted this study, we cannot name the specific scientists involved. No worries — let’s skip that for now.

What It Means

You don’t want to read these studies.

Not because they’re bad studies — they’re not. They’re super sciencey, they’re ultra-trustworthy, they’re conducted by the finest.

You don’t want to read them because, c’mon, nobody does their own research. That’s what science is for.

So kick back and we’ll tell you what you need to know.

Who Are We

We are Third Party Party, Inc.

Third Party Party, Inc. is a party thrown by a third party.

In other words, we’re not affiliated with Dr. Pooperdink or Anonymous Sources, Ltd. And you can trust that’s true because it’s in our name.

We are the Third Party.

Now let us party.

Colorful party balloons
Party, party, party! (Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash)

Kazoo Noises

For the love of Bob, someone sound the kazoo!

2 Kegs Later

Bubuh bubuh buh-burrrp.

Where Were We?

The studies! Yes, yes, the studies.

Um. Yes. Got the papers right here …

Ah. Scribble scribble, mumble jumble. Burrrrrp.

*Clears throat.*

*Clears throat too hard.*

*Dry heaves.*

*Wet heaves.*

No seriously, where were we?

A journal, glasses, camera, and magnifying glass sitting atop a big map
Here, write this down. (Photo by Dariusz Sankowski on Unsplash)

Conclusion 1

Dr. Pooperdink’s study says right here: “The 12 subjects, on average, said STFU about 4,000 times a day.” That’s roughly 333 times per day per person.

Pooperdink goes on to note that 11 of the 12 subjects suffered serious brain injuries within the last 10 years.

The 12th subject, while he was and remains concussion-free, frequently huffs gasoline and dips his lollipops in paint thinner.

Pooperdink says in his paper, “The test group is not representative of the general population, or even their own town, but the test group is entertaining and it ought to get some headlines. Scientifically speaking, I need more money. How will I get more money? By garnering LOTS of attention.”

Conclusion 2

In the study from Anonymous Sources, Ltd., Test Group A was comprised of 800 people who never said STFU.

At the end of the 90-day study, 100 of those people fell victim to violent crime, 200 committed violent crimes, 300 were laid off, and 150 abandoned their families.

Test Group B was made up of another 800 people.

750 of them claimed to cuss all day, every day.

“I fucking love it,” Subject 043B said.

“I fucking love cussing. It’s like smoking. Some see it as a bad habit, and those people are fucking nimrods.”

600 subjects in Test Group B reported extreme joy throughout their day. 250 were mildly obese, 45 were morbidly obese, and 16 never wore shoelaces a day in their lives.

Not a single person in Test Group B was laid off.

45 people in Test Group A reportedly attacked people in Test Group B.

An active serial killer was selected for Test Group A, and another one for Test Group B.

In the name of science, Anonymous Sources, Ltd. did not intervene in their usual behaviors, letting each of the serial killers do what they do best — kill. Serially.

The killer in Test Group A, the non-cussing subject, successfully murdered 47 people over the course of the study.

The killer in Test Group B only murdered 16.

While Anonymous Sources, Ltd. says another study is needed to be sure, the Sources scientifically speculate that the killer in Test Group B was able to blow off a significant amount of steam simply by telling people who annoyed him, “Shut the fuck up.”

The Real Conclusion

Both saying STFU and doing STFU can save lives.

It’s okay to spread your legs — just spread the message when you do.

DON’T DENY THE SCIENCE!

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Matty Swivels
Matty Swivels

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