Shopping with Biff and Biffany
“Mr. Swivels, Mr. Swivels!”
I turn around. I’m still in this dang store. All I wanna do is finish up before the next guy comes up and kicks me in the shins. “Mr. Swivels!” I brace myself.
There’s a married couple behind me.
“Mr. Swivels, is that really you?”
“Unfortunately,” I tell them.
“Mr. Swivels, my name is Biff. This is my wife Biffany. We’ve been married for six years.”
“Congratulations,” I tell Biff. I nod. “Mrs. Biff.”
She corrects me: “Um, no. Biff is his first name. I’m Biffany.”
“Biffany,” I say. “Sure.”
“You took a big tumble back there by the meat wall,” says Biff. “We saw you.”
I say, “I think I’m okay now. Thank you.”
“We thought so.” Biff’s mood changes. “But that’s what we’re worried about.”
I cock my head. “What do you mean?”
“Mr. Swivels, we don’t want you to be okay.”
“Of course you don’t.”
“You rebounded very quickly after that big man farted all over the store. We were kinda hoping he would take you out, but here you are. Still shopping.”
I square my shoulders. “They say shop till you drop. But when I drop, I get up and get back to shop.”
Biff scowls. “Why don’t you give up Mr. Swivels?” he asks. “Nobody likes you and we all think you’re a bitch.”
“That’s not the first I’ve heard that since entering this store,” I confess.
“And it won’t be the last!”
Biff takes Biffany’s arm. They begin to back away.
“You’re a bitch Matty Swivels! A big bitch who needs to be put away and then put down!”
I drop a box of cereal into my cart. “Yes, well. Thank you for your thoughts.”
“Fuck you Mr. Swivels!” Biff turns to his wife. “Come on Biffany. Let’s cut him off in the frozen food section.”
With that, Biff and Biffany disappear. Did he say cut me off or cut me up? Man I wish I already grabbed my ice cream.
Wanna read a poop story?
My Summer Vacation: Pooping in the Safeway Parking Lot by Sarah Paris. Yer darn-tootin it’s good!
Are you in sales? Read how It’s Easy!
Is vampire season wearing you down? Read Shopportunity! (Garlic) here.
