Practice This! (With Randy Dandy)
Practice makes perfect, and I am perfect.
I’m so perfect I shot a birdie the other day — and I wasn’t even golfing! That’s how perfect I am.
My name’s Randy Dandy, and I am the world’s #1, leading, platinum-certified salesperson in all of Earth.
According to Digester’s Digest I’m the leading salesperson from 2015 all the way up to 2025.
2025 Isn’t Here Yet
But I want you to know you can trust the judgment of Digester’s Digest.
In fact, it’s recommended reading to any big ole piece of shit out there in the world.
Y’all are a bunch of pieces of shit as far as I’m concerned — and let me tell you something. Folks, I am concerned.
But never mind all that now.
I wanted to strip everything down and talk to you 1-on1.
Or maybe 2-on-3.
Heck, we can keep this going, maybe even start a pickup basketball game. I’ll split myself into 15 different people, start translating shit into AI, and before you know it, I’m talking to people in Beijing.
Just keep rolling with me, okay?
If the camera’s rolling, you gotsta be rolling. It fhe rock is rolling, you gotsta be rolling. That’s what we do: we roll with it. We keep on rolling and rolling and rolling.
What’s that? No, I ain’t drinking. I’m selling!
As a matter of fact, no I don’t know what I’m talking about.
So what?
There ain’t nothin wrong with not knowing what you’re about. Hell, I didn’t get to be the world’s #1, leading, platinum-certified salesperson because I know what I’m doing.
How could I have known anything on my rise to the top?
I didn’t have me to come back and talk to me.
If I did, I probably would’ve talked some sense into myself — which is what I’m trying to do for y’all today.
The First Step in Sales
The first step in sales is realizing that Randy Dandy has the answers, and Randy Dandy is gonna make you dandy too. We’re gonna be a bunch of Dandies in a dandelion field. Just feelin dandy, bein dandy, and dandyin it all up.
Y’all remember that show Pimp My Ride?
I’m about to Pimp Your Life.
And I’m doing that with sales.
That’s right! We’re selling stuff.
You got stuff you wanna get rich on? You got stuff you want to get poor on? Shit, I can get you a bad deal just as easy as I can get you a good deal.
It’s all about what you want in life, folks — and I wanna help you.
Here’s what you do:
1. Get up early
2. Stare at yourself in the mirror
3. Say, “I’m a big ole piece of shit and Randy Dandy is right.”
Do this every day. Every morning. Get up at 4, 5 — maybe even 3:00 in the morning.
Get up and go straight to your bathroom mirror.
If you don’t have a bathroom mirror, put up your phone. Flip it around and take a video of yourself and say:
“I’m a big ole piece of shit and Randy Dandy is right. And when Randy Dandy is right, he’s gonna lead me right, because he’s the right kind of leader.”
If you’re wondering if this is kinda cultish, if you’re wondering if this is a cult-of-personality thing –
It is!
It absolutely is.
But you’re in good hands. Because Randy Dandy is gonna make it all fancy.
Okay, folks, that sums it up for now. I just wanted to touch base with y’all and see how you’re doin.
Say hi to your momma for me.
If you have a daddy, say hi to your daddy for me.
Keep suffering, and I’ll be in touch real soon.
Randy Dandy’s here for you.
So it’s Randy Dandy coming at you.
And it’s Randy Dandy runnin away.
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