Interview: Doctor, Where is the Money?
Hi everybody, Swivels here.
Today is vurry special because we are joined with none other than Dr. Pooperdink, Ph.D. in Th.C., survivor of the DMZ, and longtime fan of Run-DMC.
Dr. Pooperdink is a vurry busy man. But he is gracious enough to spend some time with us to discuss a question that a few agnostics may have. Is butt sex real? It’s the focus of a fascinating case study that Pooperdink has been working on for years. His time as a butt enthusiast has been put to good use, as he frames it, in what critics say is a huge waste of government funding.
Nevertheless, millions have been spent and we won’t get them back.
So let’s make good use of the caboose and get down to it, shall we?
The Interview
SWIVELS: Dr. Pooperdink, thank you for taking the time to meet with me today.
THE DOCTOR: You bribed me with Trident Layers. Did I really have a choice?
SWIVELS: That’s the spirit. Doctor, can you tell me exactly where your interest in this subject comes from?
THE DOCTOR: I’ve always been a fan of the keister, ever since I was an alter boy. When I was all growed up I thought, lemme be a butt doctor! So I went to butt doctor school and looky here! I have a degree and everything.
SWIVELS: Now, is butt doctor school different than regular doctor school?
THE DOCTOR: Significantly, thank you for asking. Butt doctor school pretty much ignores everything above and below the butt. It’s not important. Yeah, you get your digestive system and your nervous system and what-have-you. However, butt doctor school only deals with backdoor meals.
SWIVELS: Explain.
THE DOCTOR: I think I answered your question.
SWIVELS: Um … we could ask the audience, but I don’t feel your response is satisfactory.
THE DOCTOR: One of the things they told me when I graduated butt doctor school is I wouldn’t have to answer to people like you.
SWIVELS: Will you answer to me if I show you my butt?
THE DOCTOR: Only if I can examine it.
SWIVELS: Maybe we should move along.
THE DOCTOR: Wise choice.
SWIVELS: So you received $483 million from the US Department of Recreational Spending, is that correct?
THE DOCTOR: Bet your ass I did.
SWIVELS: Language, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: My fault.
SWIVELS: And with this $483 million dollars, what did you set out to study?
THE DOCTOR: It appears to me some people don’t think butt sex is a real thing.
SWIVELS: Who thinks that?
THE DOCTOR: Mostly Franch people.
SWIVELS: And what do Franch people have to do with the American Butt Institute?
THE DOCTOR: We call it Abi for short.
SWIVELS: Okay. What do Franch people have to do with Abi?
THE DOCTOR: Very little, as it turns out.
SWIVELS: I’m not following you.
THE DOCTOR: That’s prolly a good thing. You don’t wanna know where I’ve been.
SWIVELS: For the love of Bob, what did you do with $483 million?
THE DOCTOR: Spent it.
SWIVELS: MMMMMMMM.
THE DOCTOR: You remember how you offered to let me examine your butt a little while ago? Maybe I should. Because the way you’re actin now, it seems like you got a bug up your ass. How dare you try to probe me for answers? I’m Dr. Pooperdink!
SWIVELS: And I’m Matty Swivels, and this whole thing is off the rails!
THE DOCTOR: Rails? What, you runnin trains now?
A loud crash followed by screaming.
Folks, like I said, this was a vurry special day. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get many answers out of the good Doctor.
Feel free to send your own emails to the American Butt Institute. Dr. Pooperdink must answer for his actions.
