Going Forward (Owning It)
How do you move on?
How do you move on from mistakes that hurt people? How do you move on after everything crashes down? How do you deal with compromised morals? What do you do when the dark parts of yourself take over the light parts of yourself and temporarily win?
Really, How Do You Do It?
Since I was 10, all I ever wanted to do was be a writer. And in becoming a writer, I’ve taken lots of different — and dangerous — paths.
I began writing erotic romance when I was a new adult. I continued making erotic romance into my 20s. I still write erotic romance, although this material has not yet been published.
I did something bad in life, and admitting that can be hard.
It’s vile. It’s ugly. It … changed me in drastic ways.
I can’t hide from it. And I don’t want to hide from it. Everyone is allowed to think whatever they want to think.
My remorse doesn’t pay the debt.
There are lots of ways to segment people into all kinds of psychographics and demographics, and self-identity isn’t the same as total identity. My behavior puts me in categories I don’t want to be in.
But I’m in those categories anyway.
Am I evil? Am I a misogynist? Am I reasonable? Am I worthy?
For the last few years, I ask myself these questions each day.
These questions gnaw at me. My past behavior gnaws at me.
Do I have a right to smile? Do I have a right to make other people laugh and feel good? Am I allowed to love again? Am I allowed to love myself?
After a few years, here are some answers.
Am I evil?
No. I believe each and every one of us has the capacity for shades of evil, the same way we have the capacity for selfless noble bravery. Environments do shape these capacities, as does our biology. These choices are ours. There are instances where I have chosen poorly and wrongly.
Am I a misogynist?
No, but I have been troubled. Do I hate women? Absolutely not. Half the planet? How can I hate half the planet?
Am I reasonable?
I try to be. But I’m not always reasonable, and there have been TONS of times when I’ve been totally unreasonable and hard to reach.
Why am I Saying This?
Because you need to hear this from me. I have exactly no pride in saying this. Instead I have a good amount of fear and anxiety. I do believe in personal responsibility, justice, and transparency. Part of all of that is admitting to my wrongs. My arena is comedy and fiction. I don’t think any of that is worth your time if you don’t understand that I am a flawed man.
Besides, what’s going to happen after I get you laughing for a couple years and then you find out about this?
Am I worthy?
Yes, I am worthy.
I am not perfect. I have blemishes. I have problems. I have a history, a past, and a reputation. But I am worthy.
