Celebrate the Wins
I’m not always good at celebrating things.
Sometimes when I say “I’m happy” I sound like Ben Stein.
So for the last couple months I have made it a point to celebrate achievements and milestones.
(The Ben Stein thing … well … I get that way when I talk about myself.)
Focus on Doing Things
I enrolled in therapy for a year. It was a tool that helped me tremendously.
Something I deeply appreciated was our focus on doing things. I enrolled for help to change my behavior. I enrolled for help to process difficult things.
We focused on my behavior.
Emotions were discussed, of course. There was a lot of unpacking. There was guidance.
And something that was bleedingly obvious was this: I didn’t celebrate my wins.
I plowed towards goals, hit milestones, and didn’t give much room to acknowledging the fact that I hit said milestones.
When I began therapy, I felt extremely broken.
I don’t like using the word “depression.” In fact, I refused to say I was depressed during our initial sessions. Maybe I was, but with things that had happened — and with years of unresolved issues coming to the forefront of my consciousness — I said: “I believe what I am experiencing is an understandable and natural response to my choices and circumstances.”
Sounds fancy.
But that’s really what I thought. And it’s still really what I think.
At the time I:
· Moved to a new place
· Worked at night doing a job that grated my nerves
· Didn’t have any friends in the area
· Didn’t party or go out because I wanted to resolve my issues, not ignore them or spread them around
A very important relationship ran its course, and it was a painful ending.
I was starting over, in more ways than one.
And I felt lousy.
Immediate Results Don’t Mean You Will Feel Immediately Better
I immediately changed 4 behaviors:
1. I stopped cannabis
2. I didn’t drink
3. I didn’t date or have sex
4. I didn’t even look at, read, or listen to porn
I felt like shit.
· A project I had been working on for a few years came crashing to a halt.
· I had developed a poor reputation with myself
· I ran out of money
· I was deeply ashamed
But it wasn’t the worst-case scenario.
It was bad, but I had a chance.
I didn’t swear off the 4 behaviors above. I just decided not to do them, for an undefined amount of time.
I needed clarity above everything else.
Cannabis, drinking, dating / sex / erotica / porn — these things are sweet, but I refused to distract myself with those things. Because, the way my life stood at the time, they would have been nothing but distractions.
I Didn’t Have To
I didn’t have to choose these things. I could’ve just as easily stayed in the city where I lived. I could’ve kept drinking and smoking. I could’ve rebounded quickly.
But I chose something different.
Since that time, I have not used cannabis. (I have nothing against it. It’s fun and useful, but I’m not doing it for the time being.) I have drink here and there, but I don’t party. I rarely go out because I don’t want my energy to be expended on things that aren’t aligned with my goals.
I get hungry for a party, sure. But I’ve put enough time in that arena.
A Closer Look
A closer look at my cannabis habit.
I did the math before I quit and realized I was spending enough money on cannabis to pay for a second apartment.
That’s a lot of money.
I broke it down to the amount of money I would spend each day. When I quit, I logged that money and treated it as money saved. Because it was money saved.
I needed the clarity of a clean head. That was my primary goal. But finances were directly related to that behavior, and money was the metric I used to measure progress on this goal.
I used cannabis every day for a few years. It helped with things, especially in the beginning. But now I wanted to “help with things” using different tools.
Embrace the Suck
Every day sucked for a while.
I used to get high before and after my workouts, and that actually aided my workouts. I had more energy. I trained for long hours — and I enjoyed it.
But something else was happening. Something was going wrong physically.
I injured myself.
Cannabis helped me ignore this and keep pushing, pushing, pushing.
And when I finally sought a clear head, I was confronted with real physical pain.
And I was confronted with just how sucky my lifestyle had become.
Where Does the ‘Celebrating’ Come Into Play?
On one hand, I didn’t have much to celebrate at the start of this journey. Or so I thought.
On the other, there was TONS to celebrate.
· Running water.
· Food.
· A (lousy) job.
These are some of the basics.
I had all these things prior to this, but my appreciation for these things was renewing.
· Literacy
· The ability to breathe
Again, some of the basics. But without these basics, life sucks.
Plus, I appreciated my therapist’s approach.
She did not try to tell me “You can’t think two thoughts at the same time.” She did not try to tell me “Gratitude above everything.”
She didn’t harp on it, but she did acknowledge toxic positivity as something that isn’t helpful.
And she acknowledged it’s entirely reasonable and normal to have two thoughts at the same time — that I can have gratitude and resentment about the same thing.
And she helped me acknowledge that I needed to learn how to celebrate the wins.
So How?
“I’m not saying you have to go out and have a beer,” she told me, “but you need to say to yourself: ‘I wanted this, I planned for it, and I accomplished it.’”
I’m still not good at this. But I’m practicing.
· I wanted this
· I planned for it
· I accomplished it
Even if the goal is small. Even if the goal is “just” a milestone on the way to a larger goal. I need to acknowledge:
1. This mattered enough to want it
2. This mattered enough to plan for it
3. This mattered enough to do it.
And it’s good that it mattered.
For a while, I did not feel uplifted by accomplishing things. And there are still accomplishments that don’t make me feel uplifted.
That’s okay.
Because there have been accomplishments that make me soar again.
Accomplishments that satisfy.
Accomplishments that nourish me.
I don’t have to go far to find people who root against me. (Many of us don’t.)
But I’m rooting for myself.
And having a better relationship with Me is another milestone to celebrate.
I haven’t always liked me. But I sure as fuck don’t want to be anyone else.
Swivels in, Swivels out.
