9 Things I Say in Public Restrooms

Except this. (Photo by Samuel Regan-Asante on Unsplash)

I Made A Mistake

I made a mistake a few years ago.

Whenever someone would bang on the bathroom door — say, to fight me, or to urgently do business of their own — I had a long-running joke. After the third or fourth knock I would call out, “Come on in!”

One time I forgot to lock it …

These Days

These days, I retired that joke. Here are 10 things I replaced it with:

1. Slip the money under the door

2. Excuse me, I’m cleaning my butthole

3. Cacaw, cacaw!

4. Sorry, I’m streaming

5. (Flush first) Kitty litter, more like shitty litter!

6. Mi gusta, mi gusta.

7. (Knock back) Only YOU can prevent forest fires

8. (Get really close to the door) Heartburn? More like fart burn!

9. Golden. Silence.

Are They Good?

Absolutely not.

Nor are they recommended.

Swivels in, Swivels out.